Turning “Mommy fears” into determination

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After my most recent post, I had a lot of messages and response from many of you. I was overwhelmed with how many responded! I loved it! After speaking with several of you and messaging others via Facebook or E-mail, I began to do a lot of thinking and reflecting.


I am still a “toddler” so to speak when it comes to being a Mom. My kiddos are 2 and 4 and so I am still in the early stages of parenting.

Before I became a mom, I had a “vision” of motherhood. It went a bit like this:

A positive pregnancy test…YAY! I imagined telling my husband different ways; with baby carrots, baby hot dogs, baby corn and baby rolls for dinner. Maybe, I would just show him the test or I could use a “baby” candy bouquet! I had lots of ideas!

After I told him, there would be lots of celebrating, picking out nursery furniture, picking our clothes, picking names and of course I was going to be a super adorable pregnant lady!

Once the baby was born, life was going to be “Leave it to Beaver” style. I would dress my little one in adorable outfits, I would be going on runs with my baby in a stroller (so I could keep a rocking body of course lol) and I would have play dates with all of my friends and their kiddos.

All in all, it was going to be so smooth, easy, peaceful and wonderful!

Then reality happened and I did get a positive pregnancy test, only I didn’t run and start my “project” to tell my husband. Nope, I freaked out and called my best friend! We had been trying for a while and I really wanted a baby, but now that I was pregnant…my brain freaked out! WHAT DO I DO NOW!

Well, my friend was perfect and first told me to Breathe! Thanks, Great advice!!!! Then she asked me “How are you going to tell, Daddy?” Yikes, I have to tell my husband! All of the sudden all of my ideas were gone, I couldn’t think of one!

So, I nervously went down the stairs with my “positive test” in hand.

I joined my husband in the kitchen.

“So Honey…will you go with my to my “girly” Doctors appointment on the 12? ( I just so happened to have one scheduled for a regular appointment) My husband responded with a confused look and a bit of discomfort and asked Why? To his defense, any man asked to attend “that” kind of appointment…would likely react in the same way.

I told him, just because….he said why…..I said, JUST BECAUSE!!! Again, he asked why???? Well, I said…when you get one of these (showed him the test) they usually want you to come in!!!!

Oh boy!!! We now both had the look of…What do we do now and what have we done…on our face. We were super excited, but at the same time super scared!

My “before” thought of pregnancy….was such a pretty “thought”. It was very different though from my reality! I PUKED non stop for the first 14 weeks, and that super adorable pregnant lady never showed up! Instead, the I’m so swollen, big and sore I don’t know how anyone survives this. Where did my feet go? Shave my legs??? HOW??? I barely see my legs!

I felt horrible! I had heard so many people say “I love being pregnant” and I didn’t, not one stinking bit!!! I liked feeling my little guy move in my tummy and kick…until he was so big; I felt like he was going to kick his way out…via my belly button! Also, he found my bladder to be a “super fun trampoline” and working in sales…this was NOT a good thing!

Hi Mr. Customer let me tell you about….OOOPS sorry, be right back! Ok, where were we…Yikes, be right back!…after about 20 bathroom trips the transaction was complete! Thank God for understanding people!!!

My little dude was not so little and they ended up inducing me. So, I knew the date and time and started to pack my hospital bag. I took the cute robe, cute pajamas and packed my makeup and hair straightener. I was thinking about all of the ‘after delivery’ photos and I wanted to look cute.

Well, delivery day came and after 36 hours of labor, 2.5 hours of pushing and an epidural that lasted no longer than 2 hours…I pretty much wanted to give “the finger” to cute after delivery photos. I wanted to sleep, cry, eat, cry, laugh, cry…I had so many emotions, I didn’t know what I wanted!

I was SO bloated from being on fluids for so long and when the Doctor came in the next morning to check me over, she pulled back the sheet off my legs and “AHHH” my legs were HUGE! She quickly advised me that it was just fluid and would go away…but still really???!!!!

I was supposed to be a cute preggo chick and have cute after delivery photos! NONE of this was happening (my little baby boy was super cute in the photos, but Mommy looked like Violet – as the blueberry – on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!!).

Once I got home, my “vision” of motherhood continued to prove me wrong. I was exhausted and it never felt like I really slept. I was so tired of pumping and feeding that I wanted to cry! I remember one day, realizing I hadn’t stepped outside for several days; not to mention I hadn’t showered!

I felt gross, tired, fat, ugly and stressed out. I felt like a failure, I remember looking at my little guy and feeling sooo bad for him that I was his Mom. I felt like he got the short end of the stick and deserved someone much better!

I judged the crud out of myself! I would look at other moms and pictures on Facebook and just want to cry; sometimes…I did. Why? Because I saw myself as a failure, I was so overwhelmed and consumed with worry, anxiety and fear….that I really believed, I couldn’t do this whole “mom” thing.

Thank GOD for amazing friends and family, because I did get through it! It wasn’t always pretty and there were plenty of struggles…but we do survive and somehow we “just do it”.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second son, I was much more relaxed and calm. I knew what I was in for and I felt prepared.

His entry into this world was much more smooth and totaled all of about 11 hours, including a 7 minute push time!!! Whoop Whoop!!! I actually felt guilty for how easy his birth was….;-/.

I felt myself being much more relaxed and secure with myself as a mom, after my second child. I felt like I had a clue what I was doing and a bit more on top of things.

This time though, the challenge I had, was with myself.

My body, did NOT return like it had with my first child. I was expecting the weight to just disappear and well it just continued to stick around…and even increase!!

This was NOT supposed to happen! I was supposed to deliver my baby, get bloated from

the fluids, come home and go to the bathroom A LOT and then since I was nursing, the weight was supposed to POOF…disappear!

Grr…all it did was hang out and it is still…hanging out!

It is funny how your own body image can affect so many things. I convinced myself I was gross and repulsive; I was heavy, and nursing and felt super unattractive. When my husband would hug me…I pretty much wanted to “melt away”. I didn’t like it, I didn’t feel worthy of it and I didn’t want him to touch me.

I have a post in the works about marriage, so I won’t go much into that now; but the whole purpose of this post is to bring light to the fact that motherhood is HARD!

There are a lot of books that will give you lots of insight, but in the end…you have to walk your own road.

All women are different and therefore, will each be a different kind of Mom. This is OK!

With Pinterest and Facebook and all of the other social media platforms, it is so easy to look at others and begin to judge yourself.

Right here is where I want to say STOP IT!

Mothering is hard enough, don’t add to it!

You have an amazing little one who wants YOU…not the mom next to you, but YOU! Your baby, or toddler or teen…they were created to be YOUR child and they need YOU!

When you become a Mom, a lot more happens than a baby being put into your arms! All of the sudden you are wearing a part of your heart on your sleeve.

Fear sets in because you LOVE this child so much…it literally, at times, hurts! You want to protect, love and nurture this child and you worry everyday about something harming it!

I was with a few girlfriends yesterday and we were discussing home school. We were talking about different thoughts and options and when it came down to it, I said I was considering it simply because I am scared of the outside influences.

I am scared of my kids getting hurt.

I am scared of my child being bullied or picked on.

I am scared that my child will make the wrong choices!

It came down to I love my boys sooo much that the thought of someone or something hurting them, kills me! As a mother, I would do absolutely anything to protect my boys! Lay down my life? Done.

The catch is though…that is NOT my role.

My role as a Mom is to develop them and raise them so that they can take on the world, when it is presented to them. My job is to instill in them the values, morals, beliefs and tools that I hold dear. They then will take those teachings and confront the world in their own way and make their own path.

Yes, there are two pieces of my heart that are running around outside of my body. They are vulnerable and susceptible to the world around them. They will get hurt, heart breaks will happen and disappointment will come! These things are inevitable and I am 100% certain these things will hurt me as much, if not more than they will them! At the end of the day though, I can not be led be fear.

I have to allow myself to be led by Love. I have to trust that the love I show them and they feel from me will move them through this life. It will at times be tough-love and at times cuddly love, but it is my love that will set them free and give them the chance to fly!

Yes, being a Mom is hard! There are times I want to curl up in a ball and hide and be anything else…but a mom; then there are times that I love it and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else!

In all of these times, I have to look at my little guys and remember that I am their foundation; I am what they will build their life upon. Yes, I am just the first layer and there are many more to come, but the first layer is the strongest. The first layer is the one that holds all of the weight of the future layers.

So yes, my boys will grow and they will venture out on their own…but the strength I show now and the love I show…will provide them with the rock foundation that they need!

When I think of it like this, it takes away my “fear” and pushes me more towards “determination”.

Yes, I want to protect my boys and I would love to create a bubble that would always surround them. This though, is not an option!

Instead, I will provide them the tools and support to learn to fly!

When they do test out their wings, I will be there to catch them and soften their falls.

When they fall and are injured, I will be there the nurse them back to health.

When they finally take the big leap and fly on there own…I will be there on the branch cheering them on!

When they fly out of my sight…I will cry, but it will be tears of joy! I will have done my job as a Mom, I will have given them wings and taught them how to fly!


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