A relatively small word when written, but when placed into the context of your own life…it is anything but small.
The other day I had walked into the grocery store. I noticed several posters/signs hanging in the windows about roses. When I walked in, the floral department was full of roses. They were having a sale, $1.00 per rose. I remember thinking; it is crazy how a flower can remain the exact same all-year-long, but at different times of the year have such a huge difference in value.
The last two weeks, I have been struggling. Have you ever had those times where everything you do, just seems wrong? You feel like everything you do, you some how end up doing wrong. Nothing you have is enough and you keep finding yourself wanting something better.
Well, this has been me the last two weeks. Why? I am not really sure. I have just felt as though I suck and I can’t do anything right. I have noticed all of my flaws: Laziness, Lack-of-domestic talent (housework), lack of exercise, not keeping in touch with friends, forgetting a game – on game day at my son’s school, lack of motivation and many other things.
I guess you could say, I have been having a pity-party for myself. It hasn’t been intentional, but because of it I have even allowed things others have said to come across belittling; even though they weren’t meant to be in any way.
I have felt attacked and it wasn’t by anyone physically, but it was by my thoughts and my own emotions. This is one of the harder “attacks” to deal with, because you can’t place blame anywhere…but on yourself.
As this last week began, I began to try to “improve”. I had been getting on myself for lack of décor on my walls. (Huge deal right…I mean how dare I not accessorize my walls) This though I had made a big deal, so I spent two days decorating my walls. I was very happy with how they turned out, but my husband wasn’t. He said “it looks nice” and that was all.
I was so disappointed! I wanted him to come home and be ecstatic and say WOW it looks AMAZING! Honey, you are a rock star, I LOVE it!
To him though, it was just “stuff” on the walls. Not a big deal.
My thought, “Fine, I didn’t really want your opinion anyway!”
On to my next Crabby McCrabberson point-of-thought:
I have been doing really well, walking and running lately. I have felt fantastic and motivated because my sister’s wedding is coming up. (Clearly, I have to be thin for my Sister’s wedding…geesh) <sarcasm>
While walking one day, I felt some places where I could tell blisters were forming. I chose though to ignore them and keep going. Well, by the end of the walk…I clearly discovered it was the wrong choice. I now have a HUGE, nasty, evil blister on my left heel and my right toe. It has pretty much ruled out walking/running for at least a few days. Nothing I cover them with works and so I have to deal with the consequence of not listening to my body.
So, I then decided to focus on and sulk about – my lack of physical shape. Let’s just say….a thigh gap is not in my immediate future! Oh heck…it’s not in my future period!!!!
I would put pants on that were too tight, dresses that use to hang…now clung to my “curves”. I began to get more and more frustrated and down on myself. (These things obviously weren’t due to the “few days” I haven’t been able to exercise, but in my mind….this was the whole reason!!!)
Come the end of the week, my Husband had to work so my boys and I were going to have a “date” weekend. I told them we could do whatever they wanted. Guess what they wanted to do!?!?!? SWIM!!!!! Really??? I feel like a fat-cow that just got done “grazing” and you want to swim!!! Don’t they know….THAT REQUIRES A SWIMSUIT!!!!
Well, a promise is a promise and I said we’d do what they wanted. So, swimming it was! Yay!!
Grrrr!!!! (Yes, that was a growl…what else could I do to express my excitement, or lack there of…we are talking about a swim suit!!)
So, Saturday came and the first thing my 4-year-old wanted to do was go to the pool. I somehow got him to slow down enough to eat breakfast, go to the potty and get his swim trunks on. Next, we got my 2-year-old around and then…it was my turn!!!! Dun, Dun, Dun….the moment of dread. I had to put on my swim suit.
There was NO way I was going to attempt to sport a two piece. I put on what I call “my mommy swimsuit” and covered it with shorts and a tank top. We loaded up and went to the pool. When we got settled and ready to swim, I had to suck it up and take off my shorts and my tank top. I reluctantly did so and do you want to know what my 4-year-old said!
“Mommy, you are beautiful!!!!!” “I love your swim suit, it is pretty!!”
I knelt down and gave him a huge hug!!! I did all I could to hold back the tears that were forming in my eyes!
Here I was feeling sorry for myself, seeing so many negative things and allowing my thoughts to hold me captive. Then, I have my 4-year-old telling me what he sees!
He is 4 and has not yet been exposed to what the world defines as beautiful. He doesn’t know what skinny or fat is, what cellulite is or what a tan is. He certainly has no idea what a thigh gap is…in his world it would likely be a tunnel a train drives through lol.
All he knows is his definition of beautiful and at that moment he saw beauty; a beauty I could not see, but he did and he couldn’t have chosen to announce it at a better time!
As the weekend went on, that same 4-year-old told me “I have the best family ever” “We are your favorite kiddos, right Mommy?!?!” and “We are a family, we never stop trying!” (Ok, to be fair…that last one he stole from Miles and Tomorrow Land on Disney, but still)
So he pretty much shot down all of my self-pity! Here I was sulking about my body, how I suck as a Mom and a Wife and how I am overall a failure. I pretty much felt like the roses I saw on sale. Sometimes I am worth a lot and other times…just a little.
Well, I guess parent can learn from their kids at any age. My son reminded me of my “value”! He reminded me that Satan can use our minds and our thoughts to derail us and belittle us. We may at times fall victim to it and believe it, but it is a lie. A lie that God will find a way to expose you too!
God used my sweet little guy to get me out of my funk! He opened my eyes back up to reality. A reality where a thigh gap is NOT important, nor is wearing a two piece. Décor on the walls – does NOT make a home. Forgetting a game, on game day- doesn’t mean you fail as a parent.
No, it is a reality where the person, inside the body, wearing the swim suit…makes it beautiful.
It is a reality where the people and the love inside the home make it that, a home. Not the décor!
A reality where a Mommy can say sorry, admit to messing up or forgetting and have a child who will say “it’s Ok, Mommy! You can remember next time!”
A reality that I love and want to hold onto!
When your thoughts begin to deceive you, remember your value does not change! YOU were worth DYING for, to Jesus! Yesterday, today and tomorrow… your value never decreases. Unlike roses, you are worth the ultimate price….all the time!!!!!!
Sometimes, we have to stop and allow ourselves to see ourselves through the eyes of our child. They see US, they see our love, our care, our kisses, our hugs…these things to them are BEAUTIFUL and make us BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!
Maybe we have flaws and we can work on improving them, that is fine. As we improve on those flaws, we only add to our beauty. Those improvements don’t make us beautiful….because our true beauty is on the inside and can’t be altered, changed or improved by anything outside.
My goal is to try to be content. Be content with myself and being who I am, who God created me to be. I could spend years on my physical self and never be happy, or I could look away from the physical and focus on the Spiritual.
Matthew 6: 19-21
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
When my “pity-party” began, I prayed that God would “take me out of it”. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way. When he seemed not to respond right away, I began to get frustrated and doubtful. Well, I guess I began to react and believe, exactly as the enemy would wish.
God does not abandon us though! No, he is always there…sometimes his response has to come in his time. Well, he chose the perfect time and the perfect messenger! I was a crabby, irritable, miserable person for two weeks. Now, though I look back and know it was worth it! He took that time and allowed me to feel “worthless” only to show me in the end how truly valuable I am.
I hope this speaks to someone! If you feel as though your value is depleted, perhaps you’re like me and just “feel like you suck”. Please know that this feeling is only a feeling, it is not true! You are worth so much!!! JESUS, THINKS YOUR WORTH DYING FOR!!!
Satan, will try to convince you otherwise and will give you all of the evidence he can to make you not believe it. In the end though, you are a child of God…made in his image…and you were/are WORTH IT!!!
Hang in there and Smile! Smile because insecurity and worthlessness is a battle that Satan can’t win. He may be victorious for a short-while, but that is only because God is in charge and he is allowing the victory. He is allowing it only so that we can in the long run learn from it. Then come out of it even better and stronger than we were before!!!