I was not able to sleep last night (hence all of the post 🙂 sorry) so I was reading through and old journal of mine. I found an entry that I wrote back just after having my first son. I was experiencing severe anxiety which led to depression. You can read more about it in my post rainy day, if you haven’t read it already.
Reading this entry brought the emotion right back to me. Though I am not in this place now, my heart still breaks for the “person” I was when experiencing it.
If you or anyone you know are/is experiencing anxiety or depression…it is real and don’t blame yourself. You/they are not crazy, it isn’t something that cannot just be fixed.
Prayer is my first recommendation!
Satan lied to me like crazy during this time! He used this weakness to break me in every way he could.
One of his lies he told me – Don’t talk to your doctor. If you do, they will give you medication and you are a Christian. Don’t you think that if you truly trusted in God, he would take this from you. Do you think that medicine can do anything that God can’t do?
Medical assistance is sometimes needed! It is Ok and should not be something to be feared or frowned upon.
My Journal Entry:
I seek peace! Happiness and comfort – from a peace of mind! I long for a day I don’t worry about health and dying. A day I can enjoy more than just the fact that I survived this one; only to start again tomorrow.
I am healthy, strong and blessed yet I have myself convinced I am a breath away from an incurable illness or life threatening event.
Everyday I fear, fear itself! People think you are just a hypochondriac or just “being you”.
If they haven’t ever had to experience anxiety in this magnitude, I am glad for them, but they will never be able to begin to imagine what is going on inside of me.
I dream of the day I am able to relax, TOTALLY relax and it isn’t because of a drink or a medication.
I miss life!
Tears come to my eyes as I read/typed this.
I am here now, I am at peace and not dealing with this currently, thanks to the grace of God!
It is my weakness though and I know this. It could return any day or anytime. I don’t know that you are ever cured of it.
I now know that it is something Satan will use to distract me, worry me, mislead me. He will threaten me with it…he will threaten me with its return.
Now though, God has shown me, this was an experience. This wasn’t “me”! This was part of my journey and because of it I am so much stronger! I hated it so much and never wish it on anyone, but it was a struggle that lead me to where I am now. 🙂